"Your Calling/Mission has nothing to do with how smart, together, fearless or doubtless you are. But it starts with God loving you and calling you and you responding with "Here I am, use me!" -K.P
The first time I heard that, I thought "Wow, those are some pretty powerful words" And of course I felt those words were meant for someone else. There is no way that that applies to me. That it is just as simple as saying "Yes" to God.
You see my whole life I've lived with doubt and fear. As far back as I can remember, I've always had doubt about myself and fear that I would mess up or fail at something and everything would go wrong. I have never been very confident that, I'm smart enough or good enough to answer a question confidently, to speak in front of people that I don't know or even pray in front of people. In moments when I get a tiny thought of "Maybe I can answer that, I do know the answer" or "I know what I want to say if I were to pray out loud for this" but as soon as I do, I'm always flooded with fear of "What will people think? What if they say, I am horrible at praying? Or What if I answer completely wrong? What if I say the wrong thing?" And that fear always pushed me back into just sitting quietly in the back, in my nice comfort zone. But there is always a longing in my heart of wishing I would have just stepped out of my comfort zone and said "Yes" to God and what He wants to do with my life. Listening to all this fear and doubt means that I have spent way too long missing chances and opportunities to grow. Instead of listening to God and trusting in His guidance for my life, I allowed fear and doubt to stop me from growing deeper in my faith and growing closer to my God.
Here recently I've had some realization and clarity to what God has actually
Been saying to me this whole time when I’ve been too scared to listen to what Him. It's like deep down in my heart I always thought "I would love to be a speaker, I would love to write, to talk to people, I love to encourage hearts and lift up people, I want to be a light to people” I've always felt in my heart like that's what I wanted do, but that fear and doubt would flood in and knock those dreams out. I mean when I look at myself, it's hard to see myself the way God sees me. I mean, who am I to be able to go out into the world and show God's love to them? I'm a mess! Someone who is full of doubt and fear, worry and anxiety couldn't possibly be used greatly to build up God's Kingdom. I am not a genius, I don't know my bible backwards and forwards, I haven't deeply study passage after passage, and I haven't gone to Seminary. I get tongue-tied when I'm nervous, and am not the best speaker. I lose my concentration easily and forget things often! I haven't lived the perfect Christian life; I haven't even been a true devoted follower of Christ for as long as most people have. It couldn't possibly be true that Christ hand made me; He created me for something so much more than I could ever imagine. You know, I might not know all that other people know, but I do know God and I do know that He loves me and knows me way better than I do, and He has equipped me to do great things in helping build His Kingdom. He wont't send me out without giving me everything i need to be victorious in accomplishing the mission He sent me to do! The deeper I dive into the love of my Father, into His word and the harder I listen to His voice, the more I'm realizing that all the doubt and fear I’ve allowed to knock me down the past 21 years, is nothing but complete lies! The truth is, is that I can reach people, I can encourage others, be a light, show God’s love to people that need it! Somehow it's almost like a deep sigh of relief that not only do I feel it deep in my heart, but now I believe it and I know it and I'm excited about it. God is going to use me greatly, and He is using my past experiences and struggles that have become victories and my testimony to reach people and touch their hearts! He is using ME! He is using me to get others to know Him! How awesome is that!
Recently I joined a life group at my church with some wonderful ladies and going into it, I never imagined that I would have this much clarity about myself and my walk with Christ, and of my mission calling in this life. When it began, my thought was “How awesome! I get to spend an hour or so with
These wonderful ladies that I love so much and will read some passages and we’ll pray and talk about what we're going through, we’ll go through life together and it will just be awesome!! It’ll be like a group therapy!” But little did I know that God was up to something greater than just a weekly prayer and study. At our last meeting each of us in the spiritual gifts test and through that test showed what your spiritual gifts were and what your strengths were in your spiritual gifts. When I got the results of my test, I was frightened, nervous and filled with fear because of the top of mine was….
Pastoring/Shepherding.
Say What?! Ehh, I don't think so I'm not the best speaker, I certainly don't have it all figured out, I definitely don’t have it all together. Somehow I must have answered wrong on a few questions and it through my results off. Again, the doubt and fear flooded in, but in my heart (that I wasn’t paying attention to at that time due to freaking out and panicking) there was a small smile. I felt instead of completely dismissing the thought that I could be gifted in that area, I need to take some time and think on it, pray on it, try to pay more attention to what my heart was saying instead of what my head was saying. And the more I thought, the more excited I felt. The clearer things became and more peaceful my heart felt with the results of the Spiritual Gifts Test.
When this new clear outlook came, I spoke with a dear friend about this whole thing and my excitement for it and how I feel the need to start a blog, and how I feel so excited and a bit relieved to have some clarity about my mission and what is next for me on my journey with Christ! We were talking about the words “Pastor” and “Shepherd”. I said “I don’t want to be like a Shephard, I don’t want to be like a Sheep Dog, I just want to be the Sunshine and Rainbow over the pasture! I have a heart for making people happy, encouraging them. Seeing someone smile because you extended grace to them or just be there to lift them up when they are having a bad day and when they needed to know they were loved!
I want to be that for people because when I went through some of the hardest and darkest days of my life, God placed some amazing people in my life to be my sunshine. To surround me with love, encouragement, hope, and reassurance that God is holding me and everything will be okay! Those people were family members, people I have known my whole life and new friends that He brought in, at the right time. They showed God’s love to me and in return I want to be that for others! I want people who are sitting in valleys to know that, all you have to do is stand up and lean on God and he will carry you/walk beside you/hold your hand as you get through that valley- whatever valley you are going through. The one never changing constant is-God loves you, God is holding you, and God will never leave you! You are God’s Child and He loves YOU!!
And right now, I felt lead to start this blog. I don't know what will come of it,
Maybe nothing may be something, but since I am still a work in progress, and am not completely ready for speaking to a large group, this right here is my stage. This is where I am going to begin to share of this miraculous love that God has for me and that He has for you!
So I encourage you doing I'm doing and throw every thought of doubt and fear-(that are lies) that you're not smart enough or you're not good enough out! Pray and listen to what God is trying to say to you, Trust him! Step out of your comfort zone, show compassion to someone you don't know, show kindness to a stranger, show love to a friend that needs it because you might be what they need to turn their day around, you might be what sparks a new hope in their heart. God uses us in ways we don’t understand, and in ways we don’t see... If we are the hands and feet of Christ, if we are the
Church, then we need to get out love on our community, we need to get out and love on God's people because every person you meet is a child of God and a person of worth, whether they've come to know that yet or not they're still God's child and He loves them as much as He loves you and they are our brothers and sisters in Christ and we need to be encouragement and good in this world! We need to lift others up instead of knocking them down. We need to spread positivity, instead of negativity.
Now at least try and take baby steps. Try to do one random act of kindness tomorrow, whether it be holding the door open for someone, smiling at a stranger, telling someone you love, that you love them or simply saying a silent prayer for someone you know that needs it. Just go out and show God’s love to His people. Let the Holy Spirit work in you! Be filled with excitement and Praise for God! Because if God can work through me and change me as much as He has and continue to work in me, than Honey- He can work in you too! Push all that fear and doubt aside! You are a Child of God and a Person of Worth!!! Pray to God to help you find your mission and respond to God with “Here I am Lord! Use me!’
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