And it was All God....

 “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” -2 Corinthians 5:17

“He has removed our sins as far from us as the East is from the West.” –Pslams 103:12

“But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priest, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called YOU out of the darkness into His wonderful light!” -1 Peter 2:9

I hold on closely to those verses to remind me, that I am new. I am not who I used to be. I am a new person in Christ and the old Lindsey is gone. Who I used to be is not who I am now.

This week has been a strange one. With ups and downs, one thing has stayed constant. God is good all the time. Through the times of my anxiety spiking this week, God has spoken His still small voice of peace and reminded me in so many different ways that He is here with me, that I am a new creation, that I am still growing and learning and that He will never leave me and His love is unfailing and constant.

My last post was about Monday and God crossing my path with a man who had so little and taught me so much. God wasn’t going to let the reminders and lessons stop there! Tuesday morning, I don’t even know how to describe Tuesday morning beside, amazing. What happened Tuesday morning was amazing. For you to understand to greatness of what happened Tuesday, I need to go back in the past. A past I am not proud of and I don’t talk about often. In fact only a handful of people know this. But now is the time that I tell this story in my life. Now I know I need to tell it.

When I was about 14 years old, I was a freshman in High School, a whole new environment than what I had been used to. I admired and looked up to the juniors and seniors. They ran the school, I thought they were so cool and I wanted to badly to be cool and accepted. At this time in my life, God was there, I just ignored Him. I was too concerned with popularity, drama, and what everyone else was doing to pay attention to God. I did attend church and was involved with the youth group there. But I wasn’t opening up to God. I allowed others to affect my decisions, how I acted and how I treated people.

Through church, I met a girl who was a year older than I was. And she was so nice, caring, happy, and just all around a great person! We went to school together, she was a sophomore and I was a freshman. Unfortunately, the kids that I thought were so cool and that I wanted to be friends with, didn’t like her. They were rude to her, mean and excluded her. She wanted to be my friend and I wanted to be her friend too, but I allowed those people around me and jealousy of her to affect my decisions because I wanted them to accept me and I wanted to be popular. And though I wasn’t one who was bluntly rude to her face, I was behind her back and that is just as bad. That year, shaped who I would be for the rest of my High School years, and I am ashamed that I acted the way I did. Through the next few years I acted like brat, I acted like a word that starts with a “B”. I was so unhappy with myself and the way I looked, that I became a butt. I felt that I was better than a lot of people, that I was cooler, more popular, and just better than others. (Which was stupid and a complete lie, I am no better than anyone on this earth and I am disgusted that I even thought I was. But again, I was too consumed with popularity to see the bigger picture.)

Backing up to freshman year and the girl who was treated wrong and wanted to be my friend, but I would have rather hung out with the “popular” kids. I found other friends, but continued to ignore her, and snub my nose at her. Eventually she had to move schools because of how badly kids started treating her.

Shortly after that, she was diagnosed with Cancer. A type of Sarcoma, that was very progressive. I kept up with her on Facebook, and when I saw that she had Cancer, a weight dropped on me. I began to feel guilt for the way I acted and how I refused to be her friend, how I could have stood up and told those kids to stop being buttheads. I didn’t understand why she got cancer; she was always nice and sweet. I felt God telling me to connect with her and apologize. That I needed to before it was too late. Every time, I felt that, I pushed it aside. I ignored it and just went on with life.

Through each day of her fight with this horrible cancer, she kept praising God. Her faith stayed so strong and she never got upset or angry in her fight against Cancer. When she spoke, she spoke with excitement of Christ’s love for her. She stayed so positive and so centered in Christ, when she was in the middle of fighting a painful, fast growing cancer. She was unbelievable, her strength, her faith, her will, her heart. It seemed that the harder times got, the bigger her heart got and the more she praised God. And each time her name or an update came across my Facebook Newsfeed, I felt the nudge to message her and apologize. And every time, I pushed it aside and ignored it. There was a time I told her I was praying for her, but I let my pride in the way and couldn’t get out an “I’m Sorry”.

She fought 4 years, she fought hard for 4 years, and then she passed away and I know without a doubt she is in Heaven with Jesus. I didn’t think her passing would affect me as hard as it did. It broke me, and it broke me down hard. I couldn’t even bring myself to go to her visitation. I felt so unworthy of going. She was a beautiful girl with an even more beautiful spirit. And I was rude to her. In her passing, God stopped me and showed me that, there is so much more to life than trying to be popular, or accepted into a crowd that’s not even accomplishing anything in life except being miserable. You know, I can’t even remember one name from the group of “cool kids” I wanted to be in when I was a freshman. Not one name. I learned from her, that I was living my life wrong, that I was treating people wrong, that I wasn’t being the Lindsey that I was created and raised to be. Trust me, I wasn’t raised to act the way I acted. In fact, I’m sure my Momma would have beat me if she knew how rude I was back then. I remember the day I read that her battle with cancer had ended, I sat on my front porch and cried for hours, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like I was being crushed with guilt and regret. It was overwhelming that amount of guilt I felt. God had given me 4 years’ worth of chances to apologize to her, FOUR YEARS! And I ignored every single nudge. I kept this false mindset that I was better than others, that I was so cool, that I didn’t need to apologize, for 4 years. I wasted 4 years! You do know what I could have accomplished, had I said no to my prideful thinking, had I said no to acting like others? I could have accomplished a ton more than what I did. Actually, to be honest, I can’t remember one good thing I accomplished that is worth anything in my High School years.

I carried that guilt, shame, and regret for a long time. I wanted to apologize to her but I didn’t know how. My mindset changed that day. I quit worrying about what others thought and what others were doing and I promised myself that I would never allow myself to treat someone like that again, or wait until it was too late to apologize for my faults. My heart opened up to God and allowed Him to speak to me and I listened. Though I still carried that heavy load for a long time, I felt I could never do enough to make up for the way I acted when I was a foolish child. I couldn’t even hear her name without breaking down crying and letting the guilt consume me. There were many times I would try to push it aside and not acknowledge it, but it was always there. Every day, every moment, that guilt and shame was there and it was destroying my heart.

I never talked about it, not to my friends, not to my family. I never brought it up, I never brought up how broken I was. I didn’t want people who knew the real me, the new me to know that I had been such an awful person. That I had been rude, mean, judgmental- I was trying so hard to change who I was, I was pushing and fighting to become the Lindsey, God created me to be, The Lindsey that Christ died for. I was ashamed of who I allowed myself to be. About a year ago, I was meeting with my pastor and we were talking about my past, and where was God in the ups and downs that have made up my life. And out of nowhere, (And I had no intention of telling him this, I mean my family and friends didn’t even know this) I started talking about who I was in high school and I told him about her. I began to cry and told him everything. All the shame, guilt, heart break, I told him. God knew, I needed to let it out; God knew I needed healing and forgiveness from this, He knew I couldn’t become who He had made me to be, if I kept carrying this baggage, so He opened my mouth and had me let it out.

And there it was, every bit of shame, every bit of guilt, every bit of regret, spoken and laid out in the open. My pastor noticed how hard it was for me, and how much it hurt me. And he knew, it was something I needed to deal with, and now, not later, not next week or year but now. He had the best advice that changed everything. He told me to go home, go to a quiet place and pray. Then write a letter to her, telling her everything I need to, everything I should have told her when she was alive, get everything out! And then take a couple days, and then go back to a quiet place and pray, pray that God helps me to know what she would say back to me. Pray that God would help me release this and forgive myself.

And I did. And I was blown away but what God did in that! It took me some hours to write my letter to her, a lot of paper, a lot of tears, a lot of prayer. But I wrote it and felt a bit of relief that I got out everything I needed to say to her, I poured my heart out. I waited a few days and kept praying, help my God, help me to hear your words God, help me to change. And as I was driving home one evening (I believe after church) I was praying to God that He would help me, and it was almost like I could hear her say “Girl, what are you doing holding on to all that mess for so long? Don’t you know I forgave you a long time ago! You need to forgive yourself and learn from it! Use that to be a better person! Trust me, I’m doing great up here in Heaven! I love you, girl! And I forgive you!” I immediately started sobbing! I felt all the weight I had carried for so long lift off of my shoulders. I felt the forgiveness I had so desperately needed for so long. I felt like she was hugging me! It was amazing! I couldn’t stop thanking and praising God for what He had done and what he was doing! As soon as I got home I told my family about what had happened, how much shame I felt and how now I feel it gone and I’ve forgiven myself!

After that, when I hear her name or think about her, I am not beaten down with shame and guilt, I smile and feel a warmth in my heart, that she is in heaven smiling down on me. That she changed my life. And is a reminder that I am a new creation. That I am not who I was, when I was in High School, but I am, who God created me to be. That I don’t have to carry all that weight anymore, that I am forgiven and I can take that major lesson and use it to extend positivity and Christ’s love to those that need it. That it is not worth following the “In-Crowd”, that accomplishes nothing, but it is worth it to follow Christ, because that accomplishes everything.

Now after that long story, let me tie that into last Tuesday. She passed away a couple years ago and I started working here in February. It had been awhile since I had thought about her, but I have been dealing with not falling into the negativity of the people at my workplace. I’ve been struggling to stay centered in Christ and resist the urge to act like them(they act a lot like I used to when I was younger). Our office is in the process of getting rid of our old paper charts and as I was sitting at my desk with a coworker pulling that charts off the wall behind me, she pulled one and said “Isn’t this the little girl that passed away”

I thought, that’s strange, we rarely have patients that are young. I turned around and all I saw was her name. Her name was written at the top of the chart. I replied, “Yeah, she passed away.” One of our nurses who my coworker was asking, looked at me strangely and said “ How did you know that? Did you know her?”

Tears started to come to my eyes and I smile and I replied “Yes, I knew her. She was an amazing girl, so beautiful. She taught me a lot.”

How does that happen?! What is the probability of that happening?? She was a patient where I now work at? There is not one explanation for that happening other than God. It was all God!

IT WAS 100%, EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT, I HAVE NO DOUBT, IT WAS GOD!!!!

He knew I needed that reminder! He knew what I needed and He showed me!

It was one of the first times I saw her name and realized, I didn’t get pounded down with shame, but I felt warmth and love, I remembered that the old Lindsey is gone, and I am the new Lindsey. I felt that she was smiling down on me, that she is now my guardian angel. And I love her so much for the impact she had on my life. That now, I look back and see the beauty of her life and her message and legacy she left. She impacted so many people in her short time here on earth. She changed so many lives, including mine, and I can’t thank her enough for that.  And I will always remember her smile, her laugh and her heart for God. And I am so blessed and thankful that God crossed our paths, that I had the privilege of knowing her, and that I feel so strongly in my heart that she is one of my guardian angels!

 

So, if you are carrying around shame, guilt, and regret- drop it. Take it to Christ's feet and lay it down. Pour your heart out to Him. Be honest, don't push it aside and let it knock you down. Don't ignore it. God made you, He knows what you need. Listen to Him and push your pride out the door and ask for forgiveness. Acknowledge your wrongs, Apologize to those you've hurt, Forgive yourself, and Learn for a better tomorrow! You can do it! God is waiting for you to break down your walls and fall to Him! I did it, and now I've shared this with the world, in hopes that it will reach someone that needs to hear it. You can do it too! I pray that you are able to! Trust God, He's holding your heart!

 God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!

 

I love you, girl and thank you helping to change my heart.

The Blessings of a Monday

This morning started out as many Monday mornings begin. I had slept through my alarm clock and woke up late. I jumped out of bed and rushed to throw my scrubs on and get out the door to make the commute to work, hoping I wouldn’t be late. As I drove the 45 minute commute, my mood didn’t get better. I safely make it to work and rush to the time clock hoping I haven’t missed my Clock-In time and then make my way to my office. 

As I sit down at my desk to enjoying my few pieces of fruit for breakfast the first thing I am greeted with is a blinking light on my phone of new voicemails. Really!? Full of voicemails from patients that always have complaints and are never happy about anything! Yay, I can’t wait to return those calls!! As the morning progressed, my mood stayed in “Bleh, Ugh” mode.

 The cup of fruit and water I chose as a healthy choice for breakfast wasn’t cutting it and by 10:00, my stomach was growling! I decided I would run down to the cafeteria and grab an egg white breakfast sandwich on an English muffin, healthy choice that would accompany my fruit I had earlier. As I got my sandwich, I sat down at an empty table and started playing on my phone, dreading the work hours and work week ahead. I had overheard a lady talking with the Kitchen Manager about a man that was sitting in the back corner that looked homeless. I finished my sandwiched, threw my trash away and walked back to my office. As I left, I passed the man, sitting alone, huddled over, shaking, dirty, and wearing layers upon layers of baggy clothes. There was no doubt that this man was in need of help and food. I thought “Surely, someone will get him some food, the kitchen manager is aware of him, she’ll grab him something from the kitchen. Surely, they won’t “shew” him off and send him back out into the streets” I brushed the thought out of my head and kept walking, out of the cafeteria, into the hallway and towards my department.

My thoughts went back to how upset I was that I overslept and didn’t arrive to work at the time I wanted, that I had over 10 voicemails to listen to and return, the stack of fax papers from over the weekend I would have to sort through and how this was just the beginning of another week of arguing with Medicaid. Then I was stopped in my tracks, and immediately my brain went straight back to that man in the cafeteria. I felt so strongly in my heart to turn around, and go back. I was in such shock that God had stopped me in the middle of the hallway and I felt Him so clearly and I immediately without hesitation turned around and walked back to the cafeteria. The man was still sitting alone, huddled over, not bothering anyone. I felt more peace come over me as I walked towards him, I knew I was supposed to do this for him.

As I reached the table that the man was sitting at I said “Excuse me, Sir?”

I was greeted with a face of exhaustion, worn thin, and dark circles under his eyes no older than 40. I asked him if he would please go over to the breakfast bar and have them fix him whatever he wanted and 

that I would take care of it. 

Immediately, his face lit up, and he showed even a bit of shock, like he had been caught off guard. He replied, “Are you sure, ma’am? You don’t have to do that. I just wanted to come in an sit for a little bit. I’ll be fine.”

“Yes, I am sure. Please go and get you some breakfast! I insist!” I told him. He slowly got up and walked to the breakfast bar. He asked for some eggs and a piece of bacon and I assured him that he could get more than that! I knew he was hungry. As they fixed him a plate full of food and as he got his drink, he would not stop thanking me and he began to tell me his story.

He was 35 years old and everything he had worked for, for 10 years vanished within 10 minutes. He kept repeating to me, “Please ma’am, don’t take life for granted, don’t take what you have, your family for granted.” He had made some wrong choices and his wife separated from him and took the kids with her, from that he was left homeless with nothing. He said he had been living on the streets for the past 60 days, that it took him losing everything he had and hitting rock bottom to realize what all he had been blessed with all along. And he only came in, so he could just sit for a few moments inside.

There was so much I wanted to say to him, so much I wanted him to know. I wanted to tell him that it will get better, that as long as he leans on Christ, God will restore him! That there is help out there for him! That God loves him and will always love him! And that there is hope, that God wants to work in him to have his family reunited, to bring him off of the streets and back into his home. That God wants to work in him to make his life a testimony! I wanted to pray over this man and encourage him to lean into God. But every time I went to talk, I couldn’t get the words out. The only thing I could manage was a smile.

As we walked to the cashier, I asked if I could have them fix him a sandwich and some chips for later, and he responded “No ma’am, you have already done more than you had to. You don’t understand how much you’ve done for me today! This is plenty! I can’t thank you enough for this. Thank you so much! May God Bless you!”

I paid for his meal and he walked over to a table and sat it down, I walked out towards my department and the man ran up to me and grabbed me in a hug and kept saying “Thank you, ma’am. You have been so nice. Thank you, thank you, thank you! God bless you!” I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. The only words I could get out at that time was “God bless you too, sir!” and I walked back to my office, doing my best to hold back the sobs that I felt coming.

My heart was broken. It hurt for this man that I didn’t even know his name. I only knew that God had crossed our paths for each of us to get what we needed at that moment. Though you make look at this experience and think, that this man was the one blessed today, I would beg to differ. I was the one that was blessed today, by this man. The man needed kindness, grace, and love extended to him. He needed a hot meal, and place to escape from the streets and homelessness he was experiencing at this time. He needed to know that he was cared about and things will get better.

And he taught me a great life lesson. I might have slept late, but I had a bed and roof over my head. I might not have gotten to work at the time I wanted to, and have to deal with rude patients from time to time, but I have a good job and an income. I might argue with my siblings and family, but we love each other and are always there for one another. I might not have what I "want" but God has given me everything I need. And instead of huffing and puffing about stupid petty things, I need to be grateful for them. God placed that man in my path to open my eyes to what I was overlooking. 

This post isn't to shine a light on myself like, "look at me and what I did." Because I didn't do anything. None of what happened this morning was me, it was all God. 100%, it was God working through me and through that man. This is to shine a light on God and what He does, what he accomplishes when we obey Him and listen to Him! When I thought I was doing something for a man who had nothing, it was actually he who was doing so much more for me! He reminded me of what I need to be more thankful for and not take for granted! 

I encourage you to take a step back from your Monday, and look at your life with a new perspective. Look at what you think went wrong today and then focus with Christ-like eyes. Look at what you have that others pray for, that others want! Focus on all the blessings God has given you and then go out and be a blessing to someone! Everyone you meet is in need of something, everyone you meet is in need of a smile, of grace, of love. You are a child of God and you are able to be that for people!! 

Go and tell of Christ's love! He has 

blessed you for you to go and bless others!!

As Small As A Peanut

“But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, and God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for He called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.” -1 Peter 2:9

I heard a story about a man the other week and it has stuck with me and the longer I think about this story, the more I seem to learn from it.

*Disclaimer: I was unable to find the story I had heard to properly note it in the post, so I am going on the best and closest retelling I can do.

George Washington Carver was a Scientist, Chemist, Botanist and Inventor in the early-mid 1900’s. The story goes that George Washington Carver had prayed and had a conversation with God, asking that God would help him to understand all that there is on earth. The Lord replied that is too much for you to understand. Allow me to be concerned about that. Try learning about something more your size. Then, George Washington Carver prayed, God help me to have the understanding and knowledge of everything there is to know about something as small as a peanut. After that prayer that he had with God, George Washington Carver went on to discover over 300 uses for the peanut. He knew what gifts God had given him and He focused on what God was going to teach him through his gifts and he discovered over 300 uses for the Peanut. A small tiny peanut and God had over 300 uses for it!

Each of us has our own indiviual gifts and talents. We were not created to be good at everything. We are not always called to be gifted or talented in the same way as someone else. Each and every one of us have our own individual calling for our lives. God created all of us individually, one at a time, taking His time to perfectly weave each intimate part of us together.

At times you may know someone and have seen their gift and wondered, “Why can’t I do that well?” or “I can’t do that so I must not be good at anything that can bring glory to God, reach His people or help build His Kingdom. Well, stop that way of thinking right now, because that is a lie. That is false and you need to change your view on that. I have thought like that often. Whenever I would hear a beautiful singer or musician, I would wonder, “Why can’t I sing that well or why aren’t I musically gifted?” I’ve tried to learn how to play instruments and no matter how hard I try it does not come naturally and is not me and when it comes to singing, trust me, I am definitely not talented there either! I know people who every time I see them, they are so compassionate and outpouring of love for all people. Like, even people who have done them wrong or have been hateful, they are always able to smile, speak words of love to them, and they do it sincerely! And often times I’ve thought “Shew, why can’t I be able to push my emotions aside and extend Grace to those who have hurt me. Push aside the hurt and anger and love them like Christ?” (I can, and one day I will be able to, but that is a work in progress in my life at this time, stay tuned.) But Grace, is that persons Gift, that is what is natural to them. Or you know those people that know their Bibles backwards and forwards, so full of wisdom and always able to repeat a scripture to you at any given time on any given subject, “How come I can’t do that?” There are some verses I could literally read all day and would forget it by the next morning! But that is their Gift, wisdom. Some people are wonderful speakers; they are not stage frightened and can speak in front of countless numbers of people without fear. Some people are gifted in gardening and greenhouse, farming and some aren’t. Some people’s talent lies in administration and business, (that isn’t something that comes naturally to me either).

What I am getting at with all of this, is we can’t waste time focusing on why someone is gifted in an area we aren’t. Each person with their indivual talents is needed. There is not one talent that is greater or lesser than the other. Each is equally important and needed to build God’s Kingdom and reach His people! No matter what you are talented in, you can use that to bring glory to God! Maybe God didn’t intend for you to be good at singing, but He created you for something else that comes naturally to you, because when He created you, He placed that talent in your heart. And when you find what your gift is and you answer that calling from God, there is no limit to what you can accomplish! When you follow God and are obedient to His will for you, He will take you to the tops of the highest mountains, He will astonish you with the amount of great works He will do through you! When you focus on your individual gifts and talents, amazing things will happen, you will reach God’s people, you will show His love, you will bring Glory to His Name and you will be building the Kingdom!

So, if God can use a simple, small peanut in over 300 different ways, just think about what all He can do through you and your life….it’s infinite. Let God work through you, ask Him to help you discover your gifts and talents and pray that He guilds you in ways to use them to bring Glory to Him!

The love of a Mamaw Bea.

"What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance.  They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life.  And, most importantly, cookies."  -Rudolph Giuliani

Tonight, while cooking dinner, I was taken back to when I was a little girl standing on tippy toes beside my Mamaw, at the counter helping her cook lunch for us. Some of my best childhood memories are in that kitchen with her. And to this day, I cherish every moment I get to spend with her, it's always full of love and comfort! The very first recipe she taught me that I was able to cook on my own was her Salmon Patties. 

I remember the first time we made them. While watching hummingbirds out the kitchen window and standing on my toes to reach everything she directed me with each ingredient to add next. Not caring about the mess or eggshells that would have to be picked out of the bowl, she was letting me be a "big girl" and fix it on my own.  

Each time I was over to her house for lunch, we had a routine. As she was finishing up cooking the meal, I would set the table. Placing the place mats, plates, napkins, silverware, glasses and cans of pop just right. We would always fix a seat for Mamaw, a seat for myself, and a seat for Jesus. She always made sure I remembered to set His place at the table for lunch. After the plates were full of the best smelling, home cooked cornbread and all the other delicious southern must haves, we'd bow our heads and say the blessing. 

After lunch we'd always got out on the porch and swing, go feed the neighbors horses apples or (and my favorite activity) we'd go into the back yard and sit under the Acorn Trees with all the acorns scattered around in the grass. Some of the acorns would have the tops off of them and those we'd pick up and place in a container or near the bird bath in the center of her yard with all the flowers around it. Every time she'd tell me a story about how when the sunsets and all the beautiful colors are in the sky, God's Angels come down to earth and have a tea party! They sit beneath the trees, stare at the sky and drink their tea out of the Acorn Tops. As a little girl I could stare for what seemed like forever at that spot imagining beautiful angels coming down from Heaven to have a tea party and watch the marvelous sunset! And to this day, when I'm in her backyard, I can't help but glance at the spot beneath the Acorn Trees and imagine beautiful Angels sitting and enjoying evening tea out of those acorn tops!

My heart is full of so many amazing memories with my Mamaw. As I've gotten older, and I don't get to spend as much time with her, but every time I see her, our routine hasn't changed. Her hugs are the same, her talks are the same, she is the same. She is still my place of comfort whenever things go wrong. She is a voice of reason when I begin to think selfishly instead of selflessly. So many evenings I have spent sitting beside her on the front porch swing, laying my head on her shoulder either crying, laughing, or just simply being quiet as she talks to me and reassures me everything will be okay. That she loves me, God loves me and I will always be her "Linney-poo" no matter how old I am. As we watch God's hand painted sunset creep down over a pasture. She is my hearts second home. She's been there through all the good times, all the hard times, the pouts, smiles, laughs, and cries. She's  taught me so much and has always been there when I needed her, all it has taken is a phone call and she came immediately. In 2007 my dad got very sick and one night my sister and mom had to rush him to the hospital. I was left by myself and was so scared and terrified I didn't know what to do. All I could do is call Mamaw and before I knew it she was here. And she stayed with me that night and never left my side. I am so blessed that she is my Mamaw. 

She is proof that God will not allow something to be away from you without giving you what you need. You see, Mamaw Bea is not my mother's mom or my father's mom. She isn't even blood relation. Both of my grandmas live in Ohio and I didn't get to see them so often growing up. My parents moved down here 35 years ago(for my dad's job) with a 4 year old and a 1 year old. 3 hours away from both of their families. All they had was each other. Shortly after moving here, my dad met a lady that worked in one of the stores he supplied. Long story short and two kids later, her and her daughter became apart of our family quickly. She adopted us kids as her grand kids, her daughter adopted us as nieces and nephews and we adopted her as our Mamaw Bea and Connie as our Aunt. God knew that our family would need them and that they would need us. He brought us together as family and I am so thankful He did! There hasn't been a holiday, birthday, wedding, graduation, family dinner, or event that they have missed. He knew that we would need a Mamaw and Aunt down here in Kentucky, that Mom would need a second mom and sister while our family were in Ohio and He sent us Mamaw Bea and Aunt Connie. Not only is Mamaw Bea my adopted Mamaw, but she has helped me be closer with my biological grandmas. Family is the most important thing to Mamaw, second to God! And she always said- you can never have too much family, because at the end of the day-they will always be there for you and will always love you! She is a true Proverbs 31 woman, with a heart full of God's love! She's taught me so many valuable lessons while growing up and to this day, I'm constantly learning from her! From forgiveness, to understanding, to prayer, and staying in God's word, and most importantly, how to properly feed a horse so it doesn't chomp on your hand! (Another story for another day! Lol) 

Mamaw didn't have to met us, she wasn't forced to get to know our family, she didn't have to adopted us, she didn't have to love us. But she did. She chose us, she chose us to be her family and we chose her. Well God chose her, and she listened to what he was saying to her. And for that, I am beyond words thankful and blessed. She is one of my angels sent to earth, that God knew I would need to be my Mamaw Bea and I love her so much!

Pause, Reset, Relax

“In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.” 1 Peter 5:10 (NLT)

All day I have had to stop and think "Is today Monday?". It's been one of those days. And as the day progressed my heart got heavier and my mind got tired of the bags of negativity that were dropped in front of me and I picked up to carry. As the day went on, the load was heavier and heavier, until that all my heart longed for was alone time with God. Like, my heart knew what it needed to be repaired. I longed to block all the stress, negativity, disappointments, frustration and hurt of the day out and just rest in the presence of God. And let Him do the work.

It is hard to learn how to immediately dismiss negativity as soon as a person throws it at you. With me, it's hard. It hurts my heart! And I pick that negativity up and carry it the rest of the day. I allow it to sit and fester and make a mess, to where it effects my positivity and makes me have this "yuck" feeling. Like a thunder cloud! And I hate it! I'm learning how to not let the negativity stay around for so long. Not just push it to the side and let it pop up every now and then , but dismiss it fully, extend grace to whoever brought the negativity and out shine that with positivity! It is hard, let me tell you, it isn't easy. But it is worth it. In the end of whatever situation that brings that thundercloud of negativity, when you pause and allow God to work through you and let your positivity shine, that sunshine blows that thundercloud away! 

I wish I would have paused today in the midst of my storm to allow God to speak to me and calm me. I allowed the cloud to grow and upset me and distract me. I shouldn't have. But once I was able to leave work and get in my car and crank up the praise music, I could feel God calming me, hear Him saying "My child, you can't fight this negativity on your own, let me help you! Let me protect you and reset your heart!" And when I got home and talked with my mom(which is a cure-all!) I told her all of my frustration with the day, all the hurt, anger, stress. I let it out and let it go. Those bags were not meant for me to carry, so I dropped them and walked on. 

Allow God to help you drop those bags that you are carrying, that are weighing you down, those bags that you are not meant to carry. Drop them at Christ's feet and let him deal with them! He wants you to depend on Him and release your troubles to him. Because we can't fight the fights we face alone, we can only be victorious when we allow God to lead us and give us strength! When you feel the "yuck" coming near, pause and talk with God. Bring your honesty to Him! He wants you to be honest and spill your heart out to Him! When we do that, that is when He does His best work, He will restore you, strengthen you, and give you peace!! Lean into Christ and seek His peace and guidance for your life! Trust Him! 

Next time the Thunderclouds roll in, Pause. Allow God to hit your "Reset" button, and relax in His presence and peace! 

"Here I am, use me!"

"Your Calling/Mission has nothing to do with how smart, together, fearless or doubtless you are. But it starts with God loving you and calling you and you responding with "Here I am, use me!" -K.P

The first time I heard that, I thought "Wow, those are some pretty powerful words" And of course I felt those words were meant for someone else. There is no way that that applies to me. That it is just as simple as saying "Yes" to God.

You see my whole life I've lived with doubt and fear. As far back as I can remember, I've always had doubt about myself and fear that I would mess up or fail at something and everything would go wrong. I have never been very confident that, I'm smart enough or good enough to answer a question confidently, to speak in front of people that I don't know or even pray in front of people. In moments when I get a tiny thought of "Maybe I can answer that, I do know the answer" or "I know what I want to say if I were to pray out loud for this" but as soon as I do, I'm always flooded with fear of "What will people think? What if they say, I am horrible at praying? Or What if I answer completely wrong? What if I say the wrong thing?" And that fear always pushed me back into just sitting quietly in the back, in my nice comfort zone. But there is always a longing in my heart of wishing I would have just stepped out of my comfort zone and said "Yes" to God and what He wants to do with my life. Listening to all this fear and doubt means that I have spent way too long missing chances and opportunities to grow. Instead of listening to God and trusting in His guidance for my life, I allowed fear and doubt to stop me from growing deeper in my faith and growing closer to my God. 

Here recently I've had some realization and clarity to what God has actually

Been saying to me this whole time when I’ve been too scared to listen to what Him. It's like deep down in my heart I always thought "I would love to be a speaker, I would love to write, to talk to people, I love to encourage hearts and lift up people, I want to be a light to people” I've always felt in my heart like that's what I wanted do, but that fear and doubt would flood in and knock those dreams out. I mean when I look at myself, it's hard to see myself the way God sees me. I mean, who am I to be able to go out into the world and show God's love to them? I'm a mess! Someone who is full of doubt and fear, worry and anxiety couldn't possibly be used greatly to build up God's Kingdom. I am not a genius, I don't know my bible backwards and forwards, I haven't deeply study passage after passage, and I haven't gone to Seminary. I get tongue-tied when I'm nervous, and am not the best speaker. I lose my concentration easily and forget things often! I haven't lived the perfect Christian life; I haven't even been a true devoted follower of Christ for as long as most people have. It couldn't possibly be true that Christ hand made me; He created me for something so much more than I could ever imagine. You know, I might not know all that other people know, but I do know God and I do know that He loves me and knows me way better than I do, and He has equipped me to do great things in helping build His Kingdom. He wont't send me out without giving me everything i need to be victorious in accomplishing the mission He sent me to do! The deeper I dive into the love of my Father, into His word and the harder I listen to His voice, the more I'm realizing that all the doubt and fear I’ve allowed to knock me down the past 21 years, is nothing but complete lies! The truth is, is that I can reach people, I can encourage others, be a light, show God’s love to people that need it! Somehow it's almost like a deep sigh of relief that not only do I feel it deep in my heart,  but now I believe it and I know it and I'm excited about it. God is going to use me greatly, and He is using my past experiences and struggles that have become victories and my testimony to reach people and touch their hearts! He is using ME! He is using me to get others to know Him! How awesome is that!

Recently I joined a life group at my church with some wonderful ladies and going into it, I never imagined that I would have this much clarity about myself and my walk with Christ, and of my mission calling in this life. When it began, my thought was “How awesome! I get to spend an hour or so with

These wonderful ladies that I love so much and will read some passages and we’ll pray and talk about what we're going through, we’ll go through life together and it will just be awesome!! It’ll be like a group therapy!” But little did I know that God was up to something greater than just a weekly prayer and study. At our last meeting each of us in the spiritual gifts test and through that test showed what your spiritual gifts were and what your strengths were in your spiritual gifts. When I got the results of my test, I was frightened, nervous and filled with fear because of the top of mine was….

Pastoring/Shepherding.

Say What?! Ehh, I don't think so I'm not the best speaker, I certainly don't have it all figured out, I definitely don’t have it all together. Somehow I must have answered wrong on a few questions and it through my results off. Again, the doubt and fear flooded in, but in my heart (that I wasn’t paying attention to at that time due to freaking out and panicking) there was a small smile. I felt instead of completely dismissing the thought that I could be gifted in that area, I need to take some time and think on it, pray on it, try to pay more attention to what my heart was saying instead of what my head was saying. And the more I thought, the more excited I felt. The clearer things became and more peaceful my heart felt with the results of the Spiritual Gifts Test.

When this new clear outlook came, I spoke with a dear friend about this whole thing and my excitement for it and how I feel the need to start a blog, and how I feel so excited and a bit relieved to have some clarity about my mission and what is next for me on my journey with Christ! We were talking about the words “Pastor” and “Shepherd”. I said “I don’t want to be like a Shephard, I don’t want to be like a Sheep Dog, I just want to be the Sunshine and Rainbow over the pasture! I have a heart for making people happy, encouraging them. Seeing someone smile because you extended grace to them or just be there to lift them up when they are having a bad day and when they needed to know they were loved!

I want to be that for people because when I went through some of the hardest and darkest days of my life, God placed some amazing people in my life to be my sunshine. To surround me with love, encouragement, hope, and reassurance that God is holding me and everything will be okay! Those people were family members, people I have known my whole life and new friends that He brought in, at the right time. They showed God’s love to me and in return I want to be that for others! I want people who are sitting in valleys to know that, all you have to do is stand up and lean on God and he will carry you/walk beside you/hold your hand as you get through that valley- whatever valley you are going through.  The one never changing constant is-God loves you, God is holding you, and God will never leave you! You are God’s Child and He loves YOU!!

And right now, I felt lead to start this blog. I don't know what will come of it,

Maybe nothing may be something, but since I am still a work in progress, and am not completely ready for speaking to a large group, this right here is my stage. This is where I am going to begin to share of this miraculous love that God has for me and that He has for you! 

So I encourage you doing I'm doing and throw every thought of doubt and fear-(that are lies) that you're not smart enough or you're not good enough out! Pray and listen to what God is trying to say to you, Trust him! Step out of your comfort zone, show compassion to someone you don't know, show kindness to a stranger, show love to a friend that needs it because you might be what they need to turn their day around, you might be what sparks a new hope in their heart. God uses us in ways we don’t understand, and in ways we don’t see... If we are the hands and feet of Christ, if we are the

Church, then we need to get out love on our community, we need to get out and love on God's people because every  person you meet is a child of God and a person of worth, whether they've come to know that yet or not they're still God's child and He loves them as much as He loves you and they are our brothers and sisters in Christ and we need to be encouragement and good in this world! We need to lift others up instead of knocking them down. We need to spread positivity, instead of negativity.  

Now at least try and take baby steps. Try to do one random act of kindness tomorrow, whether it be holding the door open for someone, smiling at a stranger, telling someone you love, that you love them or simply saying a silent prayer for someone you know that needs it. Just go out and show God’s love to His people. Let the Holy Spirit work in you! Be filled with excitement and Praise for God! Because if God can work through me and change me as much as He has and continue to work in me, than Honey- He can work in you too! Push all that fear and doubt aside! You are a Child of God and a Person of Worth!!! Pray to God to help you find your mission and respond to God with “Here I am Lord! Use me!’

Go out and show God's love!

 

"Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me." -Isaiah 6:8