And The Waves Crashed.

This past month...

It's been a struggle.

It's been frustrating.

It's been quiet, yet loud.

It's been weird.

But it's a new month, a new year, a new day. A better day.

I have felt a distance growing between God and myself over these past few weeks and I have allowed it to continue to grow, I allowed worldly factors distance me from God. You see, God didn't move, I did. I did without realizing it until one day I couldn't feel Him. The senstivity to the Holy Spirit I have had since beginning my walk with Christ, wasn't so much there anymore. And I freaked out. I mean, freaked.
What if I wouldn't get that sensitivity to the Spirit back again? If I can't feel God, has He left me? Is the hedge of protection gone? Am I okay? What's going to happen? I need that closeness back!! All these questions ran in my head in all of a matter of half a second and then the flood came. The flood of fear, anxiety, tears. The flood of failure started to consume me.

You know the story of Peter walking on the water? That was what kept replaying in my mind, I saw Jesus, I called to Him, He called me out, I was confident, sure of the situation. No fear, no worry, nothing but me and my savior. I locked eyes with Him, I brought my foot up and over the side of my boat and placed it down onto the still water, keeping my eyes on my Savior. I could see a smile on His face and I knew a smile was on mine. The other foot came out of the boat and I stood firm on the water, eyes still locked on Jesus. Full of peace, full of excitement, and concrete in knowing that this is what I am supposed to do, there is where I am supposed to be. I am safe with my eyes on my Savior. Then, the wind began to blow, the water begain to move, and it swept over my feet, and the world snapped me back, I took my eyes off and looked down. With me taking my eyes off of Jesus, I fell, I fell quickly into the waters, the deep waters. I fell, unable to grab anything to keep me from going under. And there, is where I stopped. I fell, and I failed.

I know the rest of the story of Peter, I know it so deeply in my heart and in my spirit. It is one of my favorite stories and I know what happens next. But these past few weeks, I haven't been able to get passed the fall into the water. I couldn't see what happens next, though I know what happens, I was stuck in the water. The fear and anxiety crashed over me and brought me down into the water and instead of focusing on reaching the top of the water, all I was was the sea of fear, of anxiety of failure.

And there, I stayed for awhile. I distracted myself with everything I could. I ignored my souls call of alone time with God, for time to surrender my false sense of control and be still. I didn't have time, I needed to help others, I needed to be there for others, I needed to be who they needed me to be. I couldn't take time to focus on what God was trying to tell me because I was too busy. I was caught up in everything I could be caught up in and I sunk a little deeper each day. Instead of dealing with a problem when it happened or processing it then and there, I did what I do, oh so often, I shoved it in the corner, ignored it and went on. My heart broke a little more each day and I chose to ignore it. Though I thought I was doing God's work, I was just making myself busy so I wouldnt have any free time to acknowledge my own brokeness. So, that became my routine, my heart broke a little more each day, I felt the need to pause and speak to Jesus, and I ignored it. I kept going, kept pushing, kept ignoring. I don't want to deal with my emotions and problems, I need to be strong.

Then came the day to break and acknowledge my brokeness. I was so tired, so exhausted, I had been running on fumes and was needing to stop. I needed to stop and read the next part of Peter's story. With tears, prayer, conversation with firm believers and people who have a faith I admire and hope to one day have a faith that strong and constant and with them asking me some hard questions, well simple questions but ones I didnt want to answer. I began to feel God again. You see it took me calling to Him, it took action from me. It took me actively seeking Him.

After Peter fell into the water and began to go under, he shouted "Jesus, help me!" and (get ready, this is my most favorite part) IMMEDIATELY!, not after a while, not quickly, not after Peter suffered for awhile, but IMMEDIATEY!!!! Jesus did not wait or think about it, as soon as Peter called to Him, He was there. He picked Peter up, out of the water and placed him in the boat. I have to fight back tears as I type this, it is such a beautiful image.

That is what I had to do, I had to realize that I can't get out of these swallowing water on my own strength, all I had to do was shout "Jesus, help me!" and He would be there. And let me tell you, when I finally, honestly shout to Jesus, He IMMEDIATELY lifted me! I felt Him, softly, quietly, but I started to feel His presence with me again. And it didn't flood bac all at once, but it trickles, the more I actively seek and acknowledge this brokeness to Him with honesty, the closer I get to Him and the better I feel.

Even when my heart was struck this morning with this post, I was attacked by the enemy, trying to splash me with water to get me to worry and fear instead of trusting and keeping my eyes on my Savior. I pushed through that wave and started to write. It's something that I love, something that I know God prompts me to do and something that gives me peace when I finish a post. So, on came the Pandora-Moriah Peters Station and to typing I began. It has been awhile, and it is long overdue.

Right now, as I attempt to close out this post, the song playing in the background is "All I Need is You" By Adie, and tears are being fought back my friends, the lyrics being repeated are

"All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold
You hold"

Rest in that, He holds us, and ALL we need is Jesus! If you are standing in the boat, looking at Jesus, and He is calling for you to step out towards Him, do it. He is calling you. If you are standing on that water, eyes locked with your Savior, don't break that contact. If you did, it's okay, if you are falling into the water, all, i repeat, ALL you have to do is shout to Jesus! "Jesus, help me!" And I promise you, IMMEDIATELY He is there, He grabs you out of that water and places you into the boat.

Don't get stuck in the sea, don't let yourself stop at the fall, don't stay falling deeper into the sea, read the next verse, accept the Hope that is there for you through Jesus. Know that you are so valuable to God, YOU! YOU are His master piece and He is there to save you, we just have to act and seek Him!

Happy New Year, New Day, New Hope, New You!

 

http://youtu.be/2p8_4NbrcKA